Leaked Inner Workings of Damage Control Module: Revealed to be Helper Midget in Briefcase

Damage Control Units are incredibly common of tank ships such as the Drake

The Damage Control Unit, one of the most widely used starship fittings throughout New Eden, has been revealed to be a midget in a briefcase.

"I was always curious about the things," Lord Mandelor stated, holding the writhing midget by his overalls in one hand. "I mean, you'd buy a DCU, and they'd just give you this briefcase with a First Aid cross on it and tell you to just leave it near the main power core. I'd always throw mine in really fast, and I just figured the loud noise that came from inside when it hit the floor was just part of the start-up cycle."

The discovery was made when the capsuleer was carrying a Tech 2 DCU aboard his battlecruiser, and then decided that he should actually open the briefcase. What he founds both startled and delighted him.

"His name is Figgleforth," Mandelor declared happily. "He even came with this little toolbelt and everything."

Apparently, the helper midget will leave his suitcase home in times of crisis to assist a starship in tanking. He does this by running laps around a ship's power core with a roll of duct tape, completely coating it until the module is commanded to be "off" or the ship explodes. In light of this, many pilots have found a new respect for their Damage Control Units, though others have simply jettisoned them out of fear of little people.

"They smell like cabbage," remarked an anonymous capsuleer.

After a severe communication error, pilots across New Eden have gone so far as to open up other components of their ships, including doomsday weapons, in a search for something else.

"F**king leprechauns!" were the words of an excited Gallente. "F**king space leprechauns could be in my ship with a pot of quantranium!"

This impromptu search for space leprechauns attracted the Serpentis Corporation, who immediately began destroying scores of their own ships in desperation of finding one of the mythical creatures. CONCORD Police, who were on the verge of making a public statement, changed their response to 'no comment' in light of the news of the Serpentis Pirates doings.